Christopher Nguyen, Period 8, 3/14/22

  Christopher Nguyen Period 8

3/14/2022

Modern Mythology 2022 Creativity & Fiction

Euntae,

In the dark of the night, when closing your eyes, why do you see? In a bout of gray, lost in a slump, what is it that crosses your mind? In the pounding rain, who is it you run to shield? Those answers used to be as clear to me as cloudless skies, yet now all that remains is a haze.

The ticking of clocks leads me to the day we met. It was an anonymous chat with 6 people, including us. Over time, we all made fine friends, joking around as if we had known each other for years instead of weeks, but there was always something different in the air between some of us. We started to form 3 pairs of people, surrounded by endearing messages targeted towards a specific person. It was Jooyul with Gyubin, Soyoung with Chunsung, and you with me.

Sprinkled in the past is also memories from our first time being alone with another. We were at a movie theater, trying to figure out what to watch, when you suddenly asked to see a horror movie. You told me you were typically scared of films filled with jumpscares and psychological suspense, so I went along with it. During our viewing, you acted so endearing. Fingers grazed while reaching for popcorn, and a head laid on shoulders when hiding from gruesome scenes. It seemed to be moments straight out of a book, with flashing gazes and lingering touches. I used to recall those times with a wide grin on my face, but now all I have are sober expressions.

After more texting and little meetups, you brought me on a little excursion to VR and sunset viewing. You said those were your favorite places, and not to go to them with anyone else. I remember your expressions, touched by the moonlight after we finished, telling me to not do those activities with others because you couldn’t stand the thought of me being as close to someone else. You said to let it be something known only to us.

Fast forward time to the present, I can’t seem to even find the person I used to know as my eyes gaze over yours. We grew to meet new additions to our group, Doha and Lia. Both tried their luck with us, Doha pining after me and Lia after you, but I thought we wouldn’t break apart. Every advance Doha gave was met with a brick wall, yet Lia had seemed to penetrate through our bond. She grew to know sides of you I didn’t, like the story behind your dog, Stella. She would act smug about knowing you more, bringing up secrets when our whole friend group was hanging out. I thought this development was clouded in shade, but didn’t say anything. I wonder if that was a blessing or a curse.

Today when talking in our whole group’s text chat, we played a game. We each answered a little online form about who was more likely to do certain things, like who would

 progress the fastest or last the longest in a relationship, and I grew to know things kept hidden. When asked what was the most heart fluttering moment with the group, you answered that it was when watching a horror movie. You didn’t say who, but you mentioned that the person used their hands to cover your eyes at a terrifying moment. I was that person, so you may wonder why I’m using this as a reason to doubt you. After you mentioned that moment, Lia told the chat that you and her watched a horror movie together, just like we did. She talked about how you guys went out for food late at night, how you didn’t drink due to low alcohol tolerance, and how you drove her home like you did me before. After hearing this, I was filled with a green little monster. You tried explaining that you didn’t tell me about this because it was nothing worth noting. I asked why you didn’t drink with her even though I knew you also lied about not being able to hold your alcohol, and you said that you didn’t want to drink with just anyone. What exactly is it that I should believe? Our friend Chunsung said you lied about being scared of horror movies, as you would frequently watch them with him. What’s the point of lying about something that small?

When I met you, I thought that the stars had aligned in the sky and divined me a perfect love. You were handsome, with large monolid eyes, porcelain skin, tall nose bridge, and large frame. You even had the comma style perm common among actors in typical Asian dramas. Your age was ideal for me, as I preferred someone slightly older, and your personality seemed to match mine most days. It felt like comfort, like there was beauty in simple movements of life like walking around at night or sitting around on a couch. Why is it though, that I get the feeling that you aren’t the one for me? I’m tired, Euntae. I don’t want to lie awake with feelings of jealousy eating me up inside. I don’t want my chest to sink when I see you with her. I don’t want my stomach to feel so empty at the notion that you don’t want me anymore. I don’t want any of that, so should I end things here?

I know I’m too weak for that though. I’m too terrified of being alone, of not waking up to a message you’ve sent me in the middle of the night. I’m still stuck in yearning for a love to call my own. I order to achieve that, losing me is better than losing you, I guess. You won’t ever see this message, but I’m sorry. I’m sorry to both myself and you, that I can’t seem to let you go on my own.

Yours, CLN