Guseyn Zarbaliyev, Period 2, 03/21/2023

Literacy and Learning

When I entered high school, I stopped reading for my own comfort. I don’t know why, but my former passion for reading faded away, as my other hobbies such as coding took over. In high school, the only book I read from my own obligation was “The God Delusion” by Richard Dawkins. I began reading it out of personal internalized conflict, since with no, therapist or someone to really talk to, I needed some sort of reliable guidance - for which I turned to literature. I was struggling with my relationship with religion since I personally was agnostic, however, my mother wasn’t. Yet, I’d always contradict myself and participate in Ramadan to again, not leave my mother isolated during the fast. It was just flat-out rude and simply did not upset my mother and maybe leave some room for “belief”. Regardless, after reading “The God Delusion”, I had come to the realization that I don’t have to believe in the religion to stand by my mother in solidarity and also be proud of my Turkish and Muslim roots. Despite Dawkins's nihilist view personally found the guidance I was looking for, and now viewed Ramadan as a more cultural holiday and time of understanding rather than a holiday linked purely to religion - I had finally found some solace in reading, which was nice.

Nevertheless, in any other instance, I didn’t read in my own time at all. Of course, I completed the mandatory readings for my English class, which included the classics such as "Animal Farm," "Lord of the Flies," and "The Great Gatsby." While I appreciated these works for their literary value, I never found myself truly captivated by them (but I really hated “Catcher in the Rye” for reasons I could write a full dissertation on). But, upon taking the Myths course, my love for reading had been reignited. The discussions we have in class, dissecting books Chapter by Chapter, and seeing multiple points of view and interpretations of what I just read were actually enjoyable. Specifically, what is now one of my favorite books, “Grendel” by John Gardner.

"Grendel" retells the classic "Beowulf" story from the perspective of the monster, Grendel. We begin by reading “Beowulf”, as we follow the journey of Beowulf, an imperfect hero who slays the “evil” Grendel and various other monsters. “Beowulf” on its own is fine, it tackles the idea of heroism and what it means to be a hero. However, “Grendel” truly elevates this text and brings an extra layer of depth. Gardner offers insight into the point of view of the main antagonist of the story and questions the basis of what a “monster” is. The way that Gardner achieves this is through nihilism, solipsism, isolation, and even the very basis of evil.

We see the progression of Grendels character, at first seemingly curious and innocent, just as any child would be. However, any interaction with any other living creature was met with violence and hostility. Grendel encounters animals for which he cannot understand physically and linguistically. And even when Grendel met with creatures he could understand, those being humans, there was a one-sided communication between the humans and Grendel. The frustration with Grendel being unable to understand the animals is mirrored by the humans not being able to understand Grende, which in my eyes establishes early in the text idea of perception, and how it is vital in all interactions we have as people. In the text, this obviously allows for a slow and bitter hatred to grow within Grendel as he grew more and more isolated.

Grendel's solitude is also not purely physical, but also philosophical. The Shaper's songs fill Grendel with a sense of existential confusion and disillusionment, ultimately leading him towards the philosophy of nihilism, and ironically, his only real attachment to humans also simultaneously drives him away from humanity. With the Shaper's death, Grendel is truly conflicted with his death, and guises his grief with amusement.

Furthermore, on the basis of identifying a “monster”, Gardner's depiction of Grendel offers a profound exploration of what it means to be labeled a 'monster'. The book questions the nature of good and evil that “Beowulf” told, and questions the traditional concept of monstrousness, thus the dichotomy of hero vs. villain. This resonates in real-world contexts as it urges us to question our own assumptions about morality and challenges us to empathize with those we might be quick to label as 'monsters', in which perception becomes central. This is further emphasized by when you realize Garnder's traumatic past, and how he wrote the character of Grendel to reflect his own feeling about himself, about how others view him as a victim, but he himself as a monster.

Additionally, “Grendel” affected my life personally. As I said, this text was one in a long that I truly connected to, and felt captivated by. In my eyes, the beauty of media now is that it comes in many forms, whether it be film or books. But when you find, a character or theme you can relate to, it is one of the most satisfying feelings that can overcome you. At the time I was reading “Grendel”, I was really pessimistic about the future. I messed up my college applications. I felt like I was pursuing a degree that was bound to be obsolete in the future. I had felt that over my 12 years of education had realistically amounted to nothing. I will get the same degree, no matter where I go. The feeling of dread that 4 years of suffering could have been avoided. Similar to how Grendel was grappling with feelings of isolation, confusion, and a sense of disillusionment, I found myself resonating with his struggles. Amid the chaos and uncertainties, Grendel's internal journey seemed to parallel my own feelings of pessimism and hopelessness. His struggle to find meaning in a world that seemed absurd and devoid of purpose was reflected in my own struggles to find a sense of direction and purpose in my academic and personal life. I was in a period of immense self-doubt, wrestling with the consequences of my college application mishaps and fearing an uncertain future. I was questioning the validity of my degree choice, which appeared to be fading in relevance in our rapidly evolving world.

However, It was by analyzing the flaws in Grendels character that I truly understood the flaw in my thinking. For lack of better words, I was being a whiny brat. Although I know that may contradict everything I had just stated, of my long grapple with my own self-worth. It really just switched in me, that in reality, I was essentially stuck in my own head, trapped by my own negativity and self-doubt. My perception of myself was so overwhelmingly negative, it reflected on everything I did, no matter how menial. Relating back to the text, much like Grendel, I was confronted with the harsh reality of my situation, but unlike him, I had the choice to change my outlook, embrace resilience and optimism, the indomitable human spirit, reject nihilism, and realize it is much easier to love myself than actively hate myself.