Vicky Tang, Period 6, 3/15/2023

 Literacy and Learning

The latest piece of literature we covered in class was John Gardner’s Grendel. Grendel, in the beginning, did not think of himself as a monster. After meeting humans and the dragon, Grendel realized that he was different, a monster that derived his identity from human fear. In the end, he refuses to believe that his death and everything that happens is bound by fate, but an accident instead. In a meaningless world where everything is apparently bound by fate, how do we find meaning in ourselves? Grendel struggled with finding meaning and purpose in the story. This is something that many people can understand. Something that I really decided to reflect on after finishing Grendel was to think about what brings people purpose and meaning. Grendel’s character in the beginning of the novel seemed similar to a kid, since the language he used was simpler. As he grew older and entered his “teenage phase” he thought more and more about his purpose and identity. Human society labeled Grendel a monster, without even trying to understand who he really was. Grendel eventually accepted their label and became the monster that they called him. There are many people out there, who feel conflicted about who they are.

Everyone has wondered about the meaning behind their lives at one point. Teenagers tend to be self conscious about how the world sees them and honestly, I am too. I used to live in a somewhat religious area. My family was quite different from many other families, except for a few. We were not Protestant Christian, but somewhat Mahayana Buddhist. My parents spoke their native language to me, but also knew that English was necessary. I went to school, and I knew from the first day that I was a bit different. Never mind my looks, since the area was diverse to an extent, just not as diverse as New York, I spoke terrible English and had terrible social skills. I am not exactly sure how my classmates saw me, but I would say their opinion was more negative than positive. Something that stuck with me from this time was the idea that non-Christians would be sent to Hell after they died. My family is not Christian, so I do not know why this stuck with me so much, but I think it was the fear that literally everyone in my family would suffer. I accepted that I was different, and I spent a lot of my time trying to be different. Whatever new show was popular in school, I did not watch. I watched shows in  Mandarin and eventually picked it up. I spent time learning Mandarin, partly because it was also my parents second language. My identity at this time relied so heavily on who my parents were. Almost similar to Grendel, who depended on his mother quite a bit in the beginning. Eventually, I did attempt to make an effort to fit in. I started to listen to Taylor Swift and tried to learn how to make rainbow loom bracelets. I knew that my identity that relied so heavily on my background was odd, since I am American too. My parents also saw me as American when convenient and Chinese when it was more convenient. Of course I decided that I needed to change so I spoke my parent’s native language less and as a result, less Mandarin too. Here in New York, I have definitely found a balance. 

Everyone is different in their own way, and that is not necessarily a bad thing. Grendel’s life does make me feel sorry for him, and I would never want to judge someone for what society considers them to be, such as a monster. Life is short, and sometimes the world seems so meaningless, so I hope that everyone can find something that brings them meaning as well as happiness. I no longer think of what society would try to label me as. I found meaning in the little things in life, which bring me joy.