Jessica Zhou, Period 6, 1/10/23

 Despite getting into a specialized high school, I didn't feel all that special. It always felt like I was falling behind, how I could be doing more to work towards a good college, how my grades were slipping away. However, my parents never enforced this attitude on me. They were the opposite of the stereotypical Asian parents acted in terms of academics. All they wanted was for me to try my best and never scolded me for a bad grade. Because of this, I could not relate to my classmates whenever they complained about their parents being overbearing or angry about their grades. Instead, the beratement was self-inflicted whenever I performed less than well in school. This mindset eventually led to burnout, depression, and hopelessness. I remember moping in bed for half the day only to get more upset thinking about all the other things I could be doing and how I had wasted the whole day and spent more time in bed. It was a confusing time of anger and pity directed toward myself. 

At this current moment in time, I've grown a lot from who I was, even a year ago. It's a new year, a new me moment. I've gained self-confidence and learned to break out of my negative cycles. In a year, I've even made it through the sting of long-term manipulation, emotional abuse, and betrayal. Of course, I still have some of my old insecurities, and some new ones have popped up, but I've devised new ways of dealing with them and new standards for myself. 

One of the new problems is the problem with procrastination and work efficiency. When I'm feeling especially productive, new ideas pop up in my head about things I want to accomplish at the same time as I'm doing something else. Trying to do all those things quickly led to burning out, but failing to do those things made me feel unproductive. That's when I came up with the method of using to-do lists. I couldn't achieve all the things I wanted at once and had to be more generous with myself. After a long week of school, I shouldn't expect myself to do hours of work on my weekend. Rather, I should take the weekend as a time to recuperate and devise a to-do list. Mandatory tasks went on the list and kept me from being overwhelmed by all there was to do. It also stopped me from overloading my day. Using to-do lists made my goals a lot more manageable and made me happier. I could visibly see the progress toward things I want to accomplish via the little green checkmarks on my to-do list, and I could also take the freedom to spread things out more. It's been by using this that I've been able to start working on some longer termed commitments like earning my license, getting back into working out, practicing my dances for shows, and practicing piano. My track record with these things could be better, but it's something to work towards. 

I also need help keeping myself on top of the things I want to do. I'm prone to stalling on tasks I don't want to do and procrastinating until the end of the day. I noticed that dragging the workout was wasting a lot more time. The time I could've spent relaxing was being taken up by my laziness and reluctance. That's when I adopted the Pomodoro method, where I work for 40 minutes and then play for 30. It's like having my cake and eating it too. While this may take more time than simply doing all my work in one fell swoop, it made me happier than grudgingly grinding out assignments. Recently it's been working well. I've been using it on the weekends specifically. This way, I don't procrastinate as much, and I also get the chance to take breaks between work for my mental and physical health. Of course, this doesn't mean that my work ethic and mental health have been flawless since the introduction of the Pomodoro and to-do lists. There are still some days where I'm reluctant to start work and wait until 2, but what's important is the change in mindset.

Some other major standards include simpler things like drinking enough water, exercising consistently, and practicing piano. Sometimes, I forget to drink water and it’s not until the end of the day that I feel the consequences of my actions and dehydration. I also want to get the strength in my leg to where it was before the surgery. It’s just a matter of time and discipline before it happens. With piano, I used to practice everyday, but with busy schedules, I haven’t had enough time to keep up. I intend to get back into both of these activities by adding them into mandatory activities throughout the week. 

Despite occasional breaks and inconsistencies, these methods have worked well, and from these experiences, I formed a new standard for myself this year. I want to be kinder to myself, build on my work ethic, and take control to reach goals. Of course, this isn't something that can happen overnight and might change as the year goes on, but so far, this standard has increased my free time to work on other goals/ standards and made them more attainable.