Jacqueline Ramirez, Period 1, 11/1/21

Jacqueline Ramirez, Period 1, 11/1/21

Modern Mythology 2022

Creativity & Fiction

August 18th, 2020 

“SCREW YOU!!!” 

Ocean’s eyes snapped open at the sound of her mother screaming. 

“How could you do this to me?”

Ocean’s chest tightened at the harsh words.

I HATE YOU!” SLAM.

Ocean’s heart jumped and she scrambled out of bed. 

A million thoughts and emotions were racing through Ocean’s head. She had no idea what time it was but she knew it had to be morning from the sun shining through the blinds. It was mid-August, so she was only wearing a shirt. While she threw on some sweatpants, she tried to quickly pull herself together. Considering the events of the past week, there was only one person her mom could’ve been talking to and there was only one piece of news that could’ve made her that upset. Ocean’s dad cheated. 

The shock of waking up to a scream had caused adrenaline to rush through Ocean and now she was hyper aware of everything. As she thought about this, her stomach felt like there was a heavy weight sinking inside and her heart was pounding hard. She was scared. She was angry. She was confused. She—

  Ocean shook her head in an effort to concentrate. Her mom needed her to be calm. She stepped in front of the mirror on the wall and looked herself in the eyes. Ocean put a smile on her face. Smiling releases endorphins, right? Be strong. It’s going to be okay. Ocean took one last breath to steel herself and then ran downstairs. 

Her mom was sitting at the dining table with her phone lying a few feet away on the floor.

“Mommy? Mommy, what's wrong?” Ocean asked as she picked up the phone. 

Her mom bitterly responded, “He cheated on me.”

“Where has he been the past few days since he left home?” 

“At that woman’s house. I knew it. I knew it that day I found him talking to that woman on the phone alone at 1am. He said she was just a friend but I had a feeling. He lied.” She shook her head in disgust and disbelief. “I can’t believe it. 17 years. All that effort. It’s gone. It’s over. Why? Why? Why did this have to happen to me? He’s such a bad person!” 

“Come here.” Ocean wrapped her arms around her mom while her mom continued letting out her feelings. Ocean was used to having to adjust in the moment to difficult situations and had heard her mom screaming before, but this was the first time she had seen her mom so off the rails. As her mom continued ranting, Ocean tried not to flinch at the harsh words and curses coming out of her mom’s mouth. She did her best to be compassionate to her mom, but some part of her wondered if she should remind her mom of her morals and how she had always told Ocean to one, speak with truth and kindness and to two, never use foul language. 

In the middle of talking, Ocean’s mom randomly said, “I’m going to call him again.”

“Wait. What do you want to say to him?” Ocean quickly responded. 

Her mom looked at her. “I don’t know.” After a short pause, she said in a matter-of-fact tone, “I’m going to yell at him.” She reached for her phone and Ocean stopped her. “Hold on. You already yelled at him for like 30 minutes. I don’t see the purpose in talking to him again. Also, he may say more stuff that’s going to hurt you.” 

Her mom blinked for a few seconds and then continued reaching for her phone. 

“Mommy, wait…” Ocean didn’t finish her sentence. She was scared that a fight would erupt, leading to them hurting each other and her being the middle person. She didn’t know how to say that to her mom though and the phone was already dialed. 

“Hello?” Ocean’s dad picked up. 

Silence. 

Ocean looked at her mom expectantly and gestured to her to speak. 

Her mom shook her head and handed the phone to her.  

Ocean frowned and shook her head. 

“Hello?” her dad repeated. 

“Um… hi.” Ocean responded. 

“Ocean! How are you?”

Silence.

“Ocean?”

“Yeah. I’m here. I’m… I’m alright. I mean… I don’t know. You cheated. How could you do that?” 

“Your mom told you.”

“Yeah. I know everything that happened.” 

“I’m sorry, Ocean.”

Silence followed again and Ocean was starting to feel a lot of pressure. She had talked to her dad the night before and had gotten a feeling something was not right since he wouldn’t clearly tell her where he was and vaguely said “a hotel and a friends’ place.” She had talked to him about doing the right thing and making wise decisions, but now that she found out what he did, she felt almost stupid for trying to give him advice before. She wanted to let loose at him the way her mom did, but she couldn’t bring herself to raise her voice. 

“Okay. I just… I just want to say that I’m kind of disappointed. I don’t even know who you are anymore. Anyways, bye. Mommy called you by accident.” 

“I’m sorry. I love you.” 

Ocean stayed quiet. She would have said “I love you too,” but right now, she had no idea how she felt about her dad. 

“Bye.” 

Ocean put the phone on the table. 

“I’m going upstairs,” she told her mom. She calmly walked out of the dining room but as soon as she was out of sight in the staircase, she ran up to her room. She curled up on the floor with a stuffed animal and rocked herself back and forth. Ocean's body started shaking uncontrollably and two silent tears fell from her eyes. Soon enough, tears were streaming down and her breath was coming out in gasps that she unsuccessfully tried to keep quiet. Suddenly, a long, raw scream from her mom pierced the air. Please, not again. Not right now. It had only been an hour since Ocean had last calmed her mom. She wasn’t ready to deal with everything but… there was no one else at home to help. Ocean heard a door slam. Second slam of the day! Where did her mom go? Ocean pushed herself up from the floor and started walking to the stairs. Surprisingly, she suddenly felt her legs weaken. Ocean tried slowly sitting down but her knees gave out and she crashed onto her knees. What horrible timing. 

Muscle weakness was something she had started experiencing two years ago but whenever she would bring it up to her doctor or her parents, they would dismiss it as her just needing to drink or sleep more. Whenever it came to her struggling, it was never serious. And it was always her fault somehow. Ocean sighed. From the amount of times she’d heard her mom scream growing up, Ocean knew that there was probably nothing life-threatening happening but she still couldn’t push away that twinge of fear that her mom had fallen down the stairs or hurt herself in her anger. Ocean stood up and ran down the stairs holding onto the banister tightly. The weight of being the middle person and trying to keep her parents from going at each other was starting to get to her.  Ocean never really had any time to check in on herself and process her own emotions first. She always put her parents’ emotional wellbeing before her. 

Ocean found her mom on the basement couch and same as before, she asked her what happened. The conversation was similar to the previous one and lasted for a few hours. Eventually, they went to eat something quick at the restaurant two blocks down. After lunch, Ocean’s mom decided to nap so Ocean decided to go take a walk. 

———————

These were her favorite moments. Walking by the water by herself with the sound of the steady waves in her ears and the feeling of the light breeze blowing through her hair. Ocean took a deep breath in and then with one big sigh, she released her breath and everything else held inside. Feeling the urge to listen to music, she took out her phone and opened Musi. Listening to heart, she chose to play This Is Me from The Greatest Showman. She knew exactly which version she wanted to hear: a cover by a singer youtuber named Kylie. 

~I am not a stranger to the dark 

Hide away, they say 

'Cause we don't want your broken parts

But I won't let them break me down to dust

I know that there's a place for us

For we are glorious~

As Ocean listened to the song, she found solace in the rawness in Kylie’s voice, the story in the instrumentals, and the vulnerability in the lyrics. She hung onto every lyric, every melody, every swell, every harmony, every feeling, everything, that washed over her. As the lines hit home one after another, Ocean began to feel a burning in her eyes and a build-up in her chest. Tears welled-up and finally, the climax of the song made the tears fall. 

~I know that I deserve your love

there’s nothing I’m not worthy of

When the sharpest words wanna cut me down

I'm gonna send a flood, gonna drown 'em out

This is brave, this is bruised

This is who I'm meant to be, this is me~

Ocean had wanted to cry loudly so badly for weeks but when she was alone, nothing would come out and of course, she couldn’t sob randomly in front of her mom. There weren’t that many people by the water but those who were there were all in their own worlds, dealing with their own lives. The lyrics had hit hard because they lifted her up, helped her realize her worth, and gave her a way to accept the changes or difficulties in her life. All the experiences she had been through had built up her resilience, wisdom, and compassion, and had she not been through all that she had been through, she wouldn’t have all those traits that she was proud to have. She realized she had control over how she wanted to view her life and herself, and that knowledge made her feel so powerful. She realized that she was not responsible to always tend to her parents first and that she deserved support too. She didn’t have to hold it against them since they were only human, but she also didn’t have to feel like she wasn’t worthy of love as a result. 

Ocean was ready to return home.