David Burns, 1st period, 4/13/2022

 Goal Setting & Growth

This is it! I’m officially going to college! This moment simultaneously feels like a culmination of everything up to this point and a door opening to the start of my life, which is fitting considering the tattoo I’ve just gotten is meant to represent my life up until 18, and the next one I have planned is meant to represent everything I’ve yet to do. Looking into the future, my main goal is to just live as my authentic self, which is less of a goal and more of a promise to keep. Currently I don’t really have as much control over my own expression as I’d like, and it’s very easy to sit here and say “Oh, I’ll just start once I’m in college and I’m free,” but in reality I know it’ll be much harder than that. If I don’t build up my resilience and try new things now while pushing against the boundaries of what I know will fly with my parents, then I won’t have the courage to do any of that in college when I no longer have to worry about those boundaries. So, for the short term, my goal is to push those boundaries.

Just the other week a friend of mine spontaneously drove to get pizza at 10pm, to which I responded with a “...can you bring me a slice?” Surprisingly he did, and he drove over with a couple other friends and we talked and laughed for a few minutes before he drove off. Something like this is super simple but I know I’ll remember it because it’s so new for me, and it shows how far I’ve come. Thinking about how I was in freshmen or even junior year really makes the difference clear; I was so timid and afraid of asking anyone for anything, even if both parties would’ve enjoyed it, I was just too anxious. The goal of expression has been a lifelong goal but I’ve stayed resilient. I’ve tried to be more open in how I approach hanging out with people instead of overthinking myself into not enjoying it before I’m even with the other person. On a recent weekend I went out with a smaller group of friends including some I’m not as close with. Previously I would’ve left with a stomach ache from anxiety, but this time I somehow managed to push all that away and enjoy myself in the moment. Lots of past experiences have been only enjoyable in retrospect, once I’m able to forget the intense anxiety and fear that went along with it, but more and more recently I seem to be enjoying things as they’re happening, which I want to do more of heading into college. 

Struggling with anxiety, I’ve always been hypercognizant of the world, even from a young age. I remember consciously choosing to not take any photos of myself in middle school, because I knew looking back on them I would cringe. Except, I didn’t know that I would cringe in the good way. Looking back on the few images I do have is always really fun, because it brings physicality and truth to my very fragmented memories regarding middle school. I know that future me will look back and likely cringe at the pictures I take now, but I try not to let that affect what I do. In the past I’ve been guilty of living in the future, obsessed with how I’d look back on my current (past) self in the future, and I realize now that that was because of how I was brought up. I would always sit with the adults at family gatherings and so that was the only perspective on the world I saw, so I let it shape and mold my actions. However, as I grow older and the illusion of my family members as great people who are always right wears off, I realize that a refusal to live in the present sort of dooms anything I do to be underwhelming. Hopefully at this time next year I’ll have found a group of friends I can be comfortable with at BU, be living true to myself and my experience of queerness, and experiencing life day by day, hour by hour.