Ashley Luo, Period 2, 2/10/21, Day A

Ashley Luo
Period 2
2/10/21
Day A
Modern Mythology

Goal Setting & Growth

At this current point in time, what specific goal(s) do you have for yourself? Why?

    At this current point in time, I want to focus more on myself and growing as an individual. Throughout this entire quarantine, I've been trying to work on improving my character as well as my mental health. I believe that healthy relationships can't last if you don't have yourself figured out first. This applies to family, friendships, and especially romantic relationships. I'll be off to college in September this year and I want to be able to feel put together and mentally strong as I start the next step of my life. I don't want to be in a bad place mentally while trying to make new relationships with people. Being by myself all the time at home this past year has made me realize that at the end of the day your problems are your problems and you can't rely on other people to help you solve them, especially because they have their own problems they need to solve as well. It is healthy to lean on the people who care about you for strength at times but in the end, to truly overcome your own obstacles, you need to face them head on by yourself. It is how you can become stronger.  

How do you demonstrate resilience towards achieving this goal? (or these goals?)
    It wasn't easy to work on my mental health. Before quarantine had happened, my relationship with my family was very strained. It was a result of events that had happened in the past where I've gotten hurt. I wasn't able to let it go and held grudges in my own heart letting it fester into resentment. I didn't talk to them unless it was necessary and I was very cold towards them. It was my way of protecting myself in case I were to ever get hurt again. I think it stemmed from unresolved issues from my childhood and it got worse as I got older. When quarantine first started, my mental health plummeted just from the thought of being cut off from my friends, who I considered a lifeline at the time. The thought of being trapped with my family 24/7 mentally killed me and I felt suffocated. I was immature and only focused on my pain instead of thinking how my actions could've hurt my parents too. The beginning was very rough. I got into arguments with my parents and even got into a physical altercation with my younger brother once. We both had gotten hurt, but my injuries were worse since my brother was stronger. But I had gotten the blame and that made the resentment I harbored in my heart even worse. I locked myself in my room for a few days and I couldn't stop thinking about how unloved I felt. But, the more time I spent by myself the more lonely I got. Yes, I was still in contact with my friends but I needed actual interaction with people. I reached a hand out to my family and hoped that they would be able to see through the strong front I always put up in front of them. I was scared that I would be rejected and in turn, hurt even more. My family didn't hold any grudges against me like I had towards them. I started talking to my parents more, starting small, and eventually opened up more. Once I opened up, my parents did too and we were able to communicate better and more efficiently. I could sense a change in myself as I opened up more to them. I felt lighter and happier. Like all the resentment in my heart just dissipated. It made me realize that I didn't hate them but I was just really hurt and I was trying to heal myself but in a whole different way. Instead of actually helping myself heal, I hid it and pretended I was okay until it eventually built up and exploded. Being able to finally communicate with my family, helped my mental health tremendously. Although all of our issues aren't completely resolved, I know that it's better to talk it out with them and solve it on the stop before it becomes an even bigger issue. I think that it wasn't only me that saw a change in myself but the people around me were also able to see a healthier version of me. My parents have told me that it seems like I've finally become mature and resembled an adult more. I'm glad that I was able to grow throughout this quarantine and build myself up without needing to have other people like my friends help me build myself up. 

How does the world around you affect your perception of this goal? (or these goals?)
    In the process of trying to improve my mental health, there are a lot of challenges. The stress surrounding college and college apps impacted me a lot. Previously, I would've cracked under all that stress. I was always scared about going through the college application process. I knew it was going to be really stressful and I was always scared that I might fall back into self-destructive habits like I had turned back in middle school as I was applying to high school. Seeing how everyone around me was working so hard on their own college apps made me feel as if I wasn't working hard enough and in turn, I forced myself to do a lot more than I could handle. Doing this made me even more stressed than I was previously feeling. When I felt my emotional stability slipping, I forced myself to step back and take a deep breath. I didn't want my year of emotional and mental growth to go to waste so I forced myself to take a day off from college apps. I just took a day over the weekend to just relax and not think about school or college. I did all the things I found relaxing and comforting. I played with my dog, cooked food, and in the end, stayed in bed to watch k-dramas. I realized that I only needed to focus on myself and my progress instead of constantly comparing myself to other people and forcing myself to meet their pace. I realized that I needed to set my own pace in order to do things successfully while maintaining balance. While I do work hard to get to my goals, I also make sure to set aside time for me to just relax and take a breath from everything that goes around me.